Person o' the Week
An Interview with my brother, Cam
Cam: I already have a vision of how this interview
is going to go.
bHs: Really?
Cam: Yes. Many people think that when they are young, that this is their opportunity to dream, but no, this is their opportunity to sell out. And I intend to do just that.
bHs: This sounds like a personal philosophy that you’re
expounding.
Cam: No, but remember I was supposed to helping little kids in Guatemala
right now.
bHs: Yeah, but you’ve hardly sold out. It’s
not like you’re working for a cigarette company or making
meth in your basement.
Cam: Oh. I suppose. I’ll have to work on that.
bHs: But here’s my first question – how
do you feel about being the first real person interviewed?
Cam: Well, I have to say, it’s an honor. I don’t know
if I’m as eloquent as Cow Kitty, but then again, I don’t
know many that are. And if this interview goes badly enough, you
may be forced to remove this section altogether or return to interviewing
fake people.
bHs: Mmm, yes. Well, let’s give it a whirl.
What do you think about living in Portland?
Cam: Right now, it’s fucking cold. I dunno. I kind of feel
about Portland the way Winston Churchill felt about democracy.
bHs: Okay. I think I forgot how he felt about democracy,
but let’s keep going and disregard my ignorance. How cold
do you think it is?
Cam: Cold? 35 degrees? Sixty degrees? You know I think my soup is
going to be done soon. You want some?
bHs: No, but it is nice to interview someone who offers
some food. So moving on, what is your favorite shirt?
Cam: My very small, baby blue Santa Claus t-shirt.
bHs: Why?
Cam: Because every time I wear it, every girl I see tells me I look
really hot. I don’t care if it makes me look effeminate –
I’ve never owned a piece of clothing that’s consistently
had this kind of effect.
bHs: Do you think Dad got this kind of response when
he wore it?
Cam: No, because he looked liked the t-shirt had been shrink wrapped
on a somewhat confused chimpanzee.
bHs: Speaking of inappropriate things, if you could
do one really inappropriate thing and get away with it, what would
that be?
Cam: I’m just not that perverted.
bHs: It doesn’t have to be perverted.
Cam: Oh. Well, I would like to take a poo-poo on GW’s head.
bHs: Okay, that definitely counts.
Cam: I think our country is being run by a bunch of mentally retarded,
inbred shitheads. But what bothers me the most is not that they
are stupid, but that they are mean and stupid.
bHs: But isn’t it great that you can say these
things and men in black won’t knock down your door in the
middle of the night?
Cam: True. I suppose so. Honestly, don’t you think Milton
from “Office Space” would do a better job than GW at
running the country? Beavis and Butthead? Lisa Simpson?
bHs: Sure.
Cam: Charles from “Charles in Charge” would do a better
job.
bHs: Do you remember how we used to watch “Charles
in Charge?”
Cam: Yeah, that was embarrassing. I remember nothing! I take the
fifth. I think a ripe guava run over by a truck would do a better
job at running the country. I can’t imagine a more inept leader
in all of world history.
bHs: In all of the world’s history?
Cam: I’ve been trying to come up with anyone. You should note
that I studied history and I read a lot, so I should be able to
come up with someone if they’re out there.
bHs: Any particular reason this topic is at
the forefront of you mind?
Cam: Apart from the whole presidential election thing?