Advice for you

Email your questions: cat@bluesweatshirt.com

Q: Can I sleep too much?
A: If your head starts hurting, but you keep forcing yourself back to sleep, you probably ought to just get up. And if you keep dreaming about peeing in the bed, you probably ought to get up to go to the bathroom. Otherwise, the more the better.

Q: Am I slothful?
A: No.

Q: Shouldn't you update bHs more often? What's your problem?
A: Yes. I'm lazy. I would rather read about Motley Crue in "The Dirt" that write to you.
Q: That's not very nice.
A: No. But "The Dirt" is very funny and gross. And you didn't ask a question. Now you will be thrown to the blubbery earth worm who will eat you and turn you into dirt. Ha!

Q: Is it funny when I choke on food and then cough it out with such force that the food is fired across the room?
A: Only if you hit someone with the food material, preferably a family member.

Q: Is it funny when someone else chokes on food and then coughs it out with such force that the food is fired across the room?
A: Yes, if they are not permanently hurt. If they manage to hit you, it is particularly funny.

Q: Should I leave the country? At least semi-permanently?
A: No. You should stay here and not abandon your beautiful country to misguided elected officials. Instead, you should take a cultural exchange outside of your comfortable city and listen to people for the next two years. Just listen. To lots of different people. Don't tell them they're wrong or live in a suburban wasteland, "fly-over country" or even Jesus Land. Feel free to welcome them into your home and invite them to listen to you for a while. Then see what you think about the divide. If you still want to, you may leave the country at that point. But only then. So there.

Q: Why is my head so small?
A: Because you are the lost descendent of the little people from the South Pacific. Flores, isn't it? I'm pretty sure. You're parents always said you were adopted, right?

Q: Is it ever okay for me to be mean?
A: It all depends on whether you have sent the appropriate prayers to Saint Hector, patron saint of the mean. I created a small altar to him I could worship while sitting on the toilet. Now I can be mean with a safe conscience. If you're having troubles locating Saint Hector, I would be happy to provide you with some clues for a small fee.

Q: Is my thong underwear sticking out my pants sexy and attractive?
A: Probably not. It's a 'whale's tail,' and most likely a fashion that will make you squirm in five years. Plus, it's an invitation for a super-wedgy. Consider yourself warned...

Q: What are you supposed to wear to weddings as a woman?
A: I have no idea. Something not too skimpy or close to a wedding dress. But is black okay or too dour? What about red? Does that paint you as a harlot.
Q: Some answer that is! How'd you get to be the "A"?

Q: How do you find out where people are registered for gifts?
A: As far as I know, they are supposed to discretely tell you. I'd like to let everyone know that I intend to be permanently registered at Moonstruck Chocolates.

Bad, bad Poetry
Q: When can I share my really bad poetry?
A: Not here.
Q: What if I just start reciting it right now?
A: I’ll cry.
Q: Okay, I hope you have a hanky.

“Trash Smash”
The pain. The pain. The pain.
Noises
Falling
Over
My
Soul.
Crushing. Soul crushing. I stop.
Glass rains from the heavens. Six am too early.
There is no mercy.

Q: Are you crying yet? I have another.
A: Maybe later.

Is it ever acceptable to pick your nose?
No, not really. I suggest you make not picking your nose a New Year Resolution. If you must pick your nose, do it in private and hope that no one is using a webcam. BTW, your car is not "private."

Does New Year Resolution have to be capitalized? And should there be a possessive?
Yes. No.

Can I drive and talk on the cell phone at the same time?
Bad idea. If it's snowed, even badder. Just dumb. Stop it, now.

Can I ever pee in the shower?
Only if you are the only person to ever use the shower. If others use the shower, you'd better not pee in it. If others are using the shower at the same time, you'd really better not pee. If you slip up and some pee slips out, don't tell anyone.

Can I put my indoor cat outside in the snow?
Yes, if you are mean. I am. But now the cat knows can identify that white fluffy stuff -- evil cold, eh? But you should let him back inside right away. Definitely.

Do you tip for take out food?
“If it’s delivered, yes. If just picked up, no. The point of picking it up is that I walked my sorry ass there to save on having to tip the delivery person. If I want to tip, I’ll ask them to bring it to me. But if they bring it when it’s raining, I’ll tip more.” (Erica Poff – EP)

When is a hooded sweatshirt an appropriate fashion choice?
Saturday mornings buying coffee
Protests
When it’s raining
When you need a light weight jacket but are not wearing dress clothes. The hooded sweatshirt can’t go with dress clothes. You should never see a hooded sweatshirt and a tie together. But you do. And those people are wrong (EP).

Is it ever acceptable to end a relationship via email?
No. Although if it’s either never contacting the person again or sending an email, you’re a slightly smaller ass if send an email. And instant messaging is worse than email, particularly if you immediately go offline after sending the message. A text message on a phone is even further appalling. “Correct.” (EP)

If people really dance stark naked in Portland “cabarets,” where does the money get stuck for a “special dance” or a general tip?
From my experience with g-strings (vast that it is), it’s a handy money holder. My mind wanders to unlikely solutions for this dilemma. Upon further discussion with Poff, we’ve determined that in the movies they sometimes pile on the stage or stick it in a garter. But if using a garter, are they truly naked? Let’s demand our money back.

Which reminds us of the throwing of the bouquet and removal and toss of garter. Do people find this fun?
Because at the last wedding I went to, it looked like public humiliation for every unmarried person at the wedding. Does make the married people feel better that they don’t have to go down there? And what’s with all the single guys who revel in a seven-year-old boy catching the garter? This event should be changed.

Staring into someone’s window qualifies as being a “peeping tom” and is illegal, but what about staring at people walking by on the street. When is that an invasion of privacy? Is it ever illegal?

This is some general advice, paraphrased from Erica Poff.
For all of us in our late twenties and beyond who are appalled by the twenty-five year old with the published book, international interviews, starring movie roles, or company going public, we need to remember some important things. First, they’ve already peaked. Where do they go now? What will happen when they’re 45? For most of them, there’s nothing for disappointment waiting for them. Second, we’re taking our own path, which is building on itself. All of our odd little jobs are adding up to an amazing collection of experiences. And our jobs and projects keep getting better and more interesting and more satisfying. We’re taking the pace that can be sustained for pleasurable professional development. Third, we’re rockin’ human beings, and nothing can change that.

If you have any additions or comments to the advice items, please let us know. cat@bluesweatshirt.com